Expanding on yesterday's post, this one is about how Deftones became my bane. I explained how the music became entwined with delusional beliefs in my mind, and linked my emotions for one person to another. I'd like to note that at the time, I had no idea this was even happening. I thought it was real.
When the second guy left me, I entered what can only be termed "The Dark Times." It was not my best moment. What you'll read here is some pretty deep dirt that has defined me as a person, for better and worse.
Prepare yourself for a bumpy ride.
Committing The Uncommitted
Teenage years are strange. One minute, all I wanted was to be free of commitment, and the next I couldn't detach from an ex to save my life. That back-and-forth struggle with commitment started long before Deftones, but the delusion really held strong. So long as I listened to those tracks, the memories would stir and my reality swirled with the fantasy again.
Though it was no longer comfortable, that fantasy was deemed necessary by some part of my mind. Without it, there were so many truths I wasn't prepared to deal with at 18. It wasn't a conscious decision to live in denial; the subconscious does a lot more than we give it credit for.
I was just along for the ride while my subconscious took the wheel, music as the fuel propelling me forward.
While my mind attached itself to the ex who wanted nothing to do with me anymore, the rest of me had to move on. I learned that best friend from the beginning was, in fact, the liar and not the boyfriend I had left high and dry. I went back to let him know, but I wasn't capable of giving him another chance. My mind wouldn't let me for reasons I didn't yet understand.
There were a few others in that year that also wanted me to commit exclusively to them. Eventually, the scorned ex pushed too hard for it and I stopped talking to him. Another guy a few years older than me came into town for military leave, and I saw that as the perfect chance to reaffirm my right to promiscuity.
It didn't end well.
All Things Must End...Or Do They?
On Around The Fur, there's a track called MX that has a huge pause of silence between the main song and a hidden one called Damone. Usually, that's where my fantasy boyfriend and I fell asleep that delusional summer. That break of nothingness seems to perfectly illustrate what happened next.
I don't remember when or why, but at some point in the craziness I decided to shelve the two cd's indefinitely. For years, I held onto the relics but never enjoyed them. I didn't even rip them to my digital database when cd's went out of style, for fear that I'd accidentally hear those hypnotic tunes before I could stop the auto-play.
Have you ever had to ban yourself from listening to a song like that? At first it's painful, but after awhile it just becomes a habit of aversion. Comment below of on Facebook what songs you've had to give up for the greater good.
(But wait-there's definitely more. Stay tuned for tomorrow's Deftones finale!)
~See ya next time, Internet Drifters!
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